"There are some who can live without wild things and some who cannot." (Aldo Leopold) Apparently, I cannot.

Lost in Translation: What I Say vs. What They Hear

25 Comments

lost in translation

I need a translator. Even though my kids and I speak the same language, apparently we don’t speak the same language.

What I say: “Let’s go, please, we’re running late.”
What they hear: “We have all the time in the world. Yes, you can watch 6 more shows. And please, definitely take an hour to pick out your clothes. While you’re at it, don’t forget to dump your milk on the table, ask for three more breakfasts, and tell me you have to poop as I’m opening the front door to leave. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “It’s time to clean up.”
What they hear: “It’s time to play and make an even bigger mess around here. Don’t worry, I’ll clean it all up later when you suddenly develop a sick tummy and a leg that feels like it’s going to fall off. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Please be quiet for 2 minutes while I’m on the phone.”
What they hear: “Please scream at each other in voices that should only be used if you’re being chased by a bear, and use this time to ask me 101 questions about why we have fingernails. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “What would you like for lunch?”
What they hear: “Please tell me everything in the entire world that you do not like to eat, and make sure that you include everything that we actually have in the house and that you liked yesterday on that list. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “We’re going to the store to pick up a few things for dinner.”
What they hear: “We’re going to the store so you can run around like crazy people and beg me to buy you everything you see because even though we just had lunch I know how incredibly starving you are so a donut sounds like a great idea. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Oh you look so cute, please hold still so I can get a picture.”
What they hear: “Immediately stop that cute thing you’re doing and make the most horrendous faces you can think of while wiggling and jumping around and looking everywhere but at the camera. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “The baby is sleeping, it’s quiet time.”
What they hear: “It’s time to get out all of the toys that make noise. And be sure to drop everything imaginable on the hardwood floors and slam all of the doors in the house. And yes, now is the perfect time to pretend you’re in a rock band. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “I’ll be right back, I need to go to the bathroom.”
What they hear: “Grab your food and all of your toys and come with me. I love having company in the bathroom. The more the merrier. Please also take this opportunity to ask me how it is you came out down there and unroll the entire roll of toilet paper. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Quickly, please go get me a burp cloth from the closet.”
What they hear: “Please walk around the house at a snail’s pace looking in every possible closet but the one where we keep the burp cloths and then get distracted by a shiny object and never bring me anything because I like it when spit up seeps into the carpet and dries on my clothes. It makes for a nice aroma. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Please play nicely.”
What they hear: “Yes, you two are mortal enemies and should treat each other as such. Everything in the house actually belongs to just you and no one else, so I completely understand why you’re screaming bloody murder and acting like that toy you haven’t played with in 4 months is your most prized possession. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Let’s try to keep those new clothes clean.”
What they hear: “New clothes make the best play clothes. Yes, you should absolutely go paint me a picture and then go outside to search for worms in the mud. And if you can manage to get some ketchup and chocolate on them, that’d be just swell. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

What I say: “Goodnight, sleep tight.”
What they hear: “It’s party time! After you throw all of your stuffed animals off your bed to make room for all of your jumping, please make sure you get out of bed no less than 5 times each to come and tell me that you are hot. Or cold. Or hungry. Or thirsty. Or have to go to the bathroom. Or that you hear a witch outside. Oh, and why don’t you go ahead and throw an epic tantrum in there.”

 

Author: Mamma Wild Thing

I'm a mamma to three little wild things and wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, most days.)

25 thoughts on “Lost in Translation: What I Say vs. What They Hear

  1. This was laugh out LOUD funny! Each one was funnier than the one before and right on the money. I loved, loved, loved it!!!! Thanks for the huge grin I have right now (even though I feel I little bad for you).

  2. I’m probably going to regret asking this, but how does one answer the question of how they came out down there?

    • Ha, ha. I told them the truth. That I pushed them out. They’re at those ages where they don’t get it but don’t want to ask more about it, so it’s all good for now.

      • Ok, not as gross as I thought Mamma ;) Btw, you’re welcome to a guest post on mine any day. And I’m seriously struggling on new topics, so suggestions are welcome. I have plenty of things to say, just not sure I want to share them with a wide audience…

  3. I was keeping a mental note of all the parts I loved, but my brain filled up with too much funny. So, so funny!

  4. OMG, funniest thing I have read in weeks. Hilarious! I think I have a new favorite blog (yours).

    I always wondered if kids spoke a different language, and now my worst fears have been confirmed.

    Will be back to catch up on your archives. You rock!

    best,
    MOV

  5. Hi there, MOV! Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad I could provide a chuckle or two for ya. And thanks for the kind words. :)

  6. Pingback: Lazy Sunday: Week in Review 4/7/13 |

  7. Hahahaha … all SO true!!

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. :)

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    http://www.raising-reagan.com

  8. Hahahaha! Love this!

    Thanks for sharing your favorite post at Raising Imperfection! We feature our favorites on Friday, make sure to come back and check.
    Leslie

  9. This was hilarious and so so so so true! And the epic tantrums – is there anything that won’t produce one? AAAAAARGHHHH!

  10. I am laughing out loud at my desk. SPOT ON!

  11. Do you live in my house? No really do you??? Holy cow I am crying from laughing so hard. I am so glad I’m not the only one who feels as if they are speaking some sort of foreign language when I ask the kids to do something. This is a great post!
    Found you via Honest Voices Tuesday Link up. (SO glad I did)

  12. Maybe we do. We could have a The Others situation going on. Creepy. :) And thanks so much for your kind words.

  13. Loved loved loved this!! I just got done with the 12th time asking for water or food or moon rocks.

  14. Loved this! I should have taken “preschooler” speak in school, rather than Spanish. PS: It happens here too, even when they’re 7.

  15. Absolutely BANG-ON, mama! It’s like you’ve been living my life and thinking my…erm, their thoughts! Too funny!!!

  16. So funny I just said to my 11 yr old are my words getting lost in translation? what part of get off the computer meant now get on the Wii ?

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