"There are some who can live without wild things and some who cannot." (Aldo Leopold) Apparently, I cannot.


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25 Reasons You Might Confuse Me With a Preschooler

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  1. I’m always asking “why” and saying “no.”
  2. My diet largely consists of half-nibbled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chicken nuggets, and mac ‘n cheese with an overabundance of goldfish crackers, pretzels, and yogurt.
  3. I cut up my food into bite-sized pieces before eating (without even realizing it).
  4. My bed is always full of stuffed animals, toys, books, and random articles of clothing.
  5. You can often find me listening to a Kidz Bop CD while driving (even when I’m alone, sadly).
  6. I pitch a fit when I have to get out of the bath before I’m ready.
  7. I use words like “potty,” “booboo,” and “toot” in everyday conversation (even when talking with adults).
  8. I often talk to my own imaginary friends (aka, the voices in my head).
  9. I can and do watch the same movies over and over (and over and over) again.
  10. I get overly excited about getting a lollipop at the bank drive thru.
  11. I don’t really like to share and will often sneak things so that I don’t have to share.
  12. I don’t like when other people tell me what to do.
  13. Passwords frustrate me.
  14. I’m hungry all the time (and I always like to “taste” what you’re eating).
  15. Some days I have to pull out all of my clothes from my closet and drawers to figure out what I want to wear.
  16. I have a hard time keeping track of my personal belongings. (“Has anyone seen my phone? Or car keys?” “Where’s the baby?”)
  17. I know everything.
  18. I’m afraid of the dark.
  19. I need to read before going to bed.
  20. I have like 5 different toothbrushes.
  21. I think cookies and ice cream are an acceptable meal.
  22. I am oblivious to my surroundings or anything anyone is saying when my favorite tv show is on.
  23. I get distracted by shiny things.
  24. I could swing all day long.
  25. I’d rather poke myself in the eye with a spork than wear socks with toe seams.


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10 Things I Still Have in Common With My Pregnant Self

A lot of things happen when you’re pregnant. There are physical changes, hormonal changes, emotional changes, memory changes. Sometimes you start liking foods you’ve never liked before, and sometimes you ralph at the mere mention of a food you considered a favorite before you started growing another human being in your body. Things just start happening that are beyond your control.

And I don’t know who started it, but there seems to be a myth circulating out there that these things start balancing back out once you deliver your little bundle of joy. Pfffffttttt. What a bunch of bull doody. Ok, well maybe it’s true for some people, but not for me.

Here are 10 things I still have in common with my pregnant self:

  1. Bleeding gums. Many people don’t know that bleeding gums are very common during pregnancy. With all of the hormonal changes going on, your gums can swell and become inflamed, which causes them to bleed more easily. Now my bleeding gums are caused by gingivitis because I hardly have enough time in the day to squeeze in two brushing and flossing sessions for the kids, let alone myself.
  2. Food avoidance. When I was pregnant I had to avoid certain foods for two reasons. Either the food was on a “do not eat this because it could harm your baby” list or it gave me heartburn so bad I wanted to rip out my own throat and beat myself with it. Now I have to avoid certain foods because I’m nursing and don’t want to deal with epic episodes of baby diarrhea, like that which comes with too much Mexican or Indian food, two of my favs.
  3. Eating extra calories. Most doctors recommend that a pregnant woman increase her daily caloric intake by 300-500 or so calories a day, depending on what trimester she is in. These days I’m eating extra calories because nursing makes me so freaking hungry and I need to keep up a good milk supply. Thank goodness for Girl Scout cookies and the peanut M&Ms we have around for potty training. Hey, it’s for my milk supply! Don’t judge.
  4. Hairy legs. Fact: When you’re pregnant, especially in the last few months, it can be very difficult to shave your legs when you’re contending with a giant belly and can’t see your feet. I just give up on the whole practice altogether. These days, I have so little time for personal hygiene (refer to #1) that even when I can get a shower I often have to choose between shaving my legs and washing my hair so that I can get out before the baby completely flips his shit. (For some reason my happy baby turns into a shaking, screaming banshee when I attempt to shower.) Washing hair always wins out because I can always cover up my legs by wearing pants, but I can’t walk around all the time wearing a bag over my head. (Although some days I’d like to.)
  5. Insomnia. I’m not sure it’s scientifically documented, but even before I was so hugely pregnant that I couldn’t get comfortable in bed to sleep (and apparently had such labored breathing that my hubby likened sleeping next to me to sleeping next to a water buffalo) I had trouble sleeping. And apparently a lot of women have this problem when pregnant. Now, of course, I can’t sleep because the baby is crying or I think I hear the baby crying. And if it isn’t the baby, the other two are always wandering into our room at all hours of the night because they have bad dreams, they’re too hot, they heard a noise outside, or their eyebrows hurt. The usual stuff.
  6. Not exercising. It’s no secret that I hate to exercise. But before kids I did it and actually wanted to continue doing it when I got pregnant. BUT, the exercise gods had other plans for me. With my first pregnancy, I had placenta previa, so my doctor’s told me to avoid exercising. Didn’t have to tell me twice. Done and done. And then because my first was born 11 weeks premature, my docs advised me to take it easy in subsequent pregnancies. Again, don’t have to twist my arm. I managed to get back to exercising some after both my first and second pregnancies, but now, 8 months after having my third, I have no time or energy or motivation. Or time, did I mention time?
  7. Late-night food runs. I didn’t have too many crazy cravings when I was pregnant, but when they hit, they’d always hit at night, and I’d make a late-night run to Taco Bell the health food store to get something to hit the spot. These days, the thought of taking all three kids to the grocery store makes me all jittery and crazy-like. (Have you ever seen that episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” when Will teaches Ashley how to handle a bully by acting crazy? Yeah, that.) Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it, but if I can avoid it, I do. Which is why I often wait until they are all tucked into bed before heading out. It’s sort of a double-edged sword because I’m often surrounded by other crazies doing their shopping so late, but I’m alone. And it’s like a mini-vacation. Just with crazies. (Ok, so it’s actually not that different from vacations with my family. Hi family, love you.)
  8. Peeing all the time. When you’re pregnant, you pee ALL THE DAMN TIME. At the beginning it’s because of hormonal changes resulting in increased blood flow that causes your bladder to fill up faster; later it’s because your uterus is so big that it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on your bladder. Now, after having three kids, I still pee all the damn time. Like when I sneeze. Or cough. Or laugh really hard. Or blink.
  9. The glow. People will tell you all the time when you’re pregnant that you have this special pregnancy glow. I’ve never understood if it’s a sincere compliment like, “hey you look really great, pregnancy really agrees with you” or if it’s just something someone made up because they didn’t have a handy compliment for giant protruding bellies. “Hi, you are hu . . . wow, your belly really . . . ummm, errrr, you are absolutely [sees pretty lamp on table] glowing!” I was told this a lot, so I’m going to go with the former. And again, 8 months out, I’m still glowing. Only now it’s more of a glisten. From all the freaking sweating I do. Not sure if it’s my hormones or from chasing around three kids all day, but I swear, if this is even a slight hint at what menopause is going to be like, I’m in trouble. I’m going to be glowing the whole freaking rest of my life.
  10. Looking pregnant. Refer to #s 3, 5, and 6. Oh, and the fact that my daughter recently asked, “Mamma, when is your other baby going to come out?” Guess I really should get back to exercising and eating better. First, however, I’ll need to eat up all the unhealthy food in the house. And get over this plague that is still (yes, still) lingering. Seriously, though, as soon as I can breathe again, I have a hot date with my elliptical machine. Hopefully it still works.

Please for the love of all that is holy, someone tell me that I am not alone here! Or if I am, lie to me, dammit! Then give me a cookie. Then tell me to get my ass on the elliptical machine.


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46 Reasons My Mom or Dad Might Be Freaking Out

If you have kids and you’ve been on the Internet at all in the past few months, you’ve no doubt read Jason Good’s “46 Reasons My Three Year Old Might be Freaking Out.” If you haven’t, what the heck are you waiting for? Go there, now. Then come right back here. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Hysterical, eh?! And absolutely spot on.

After reading this, I thought it would be funny to do a similar list, only told from a preschooler’s perspective. (Don’t worry, I ran the idea past Jason, and he was cool with it.) Many of these I have experienced first hand; others I’m not fessing up to personally, we’ll just call them educated guesses. I know I can’t do the original justice, but here you go:

46 Reasons My Mom or Dad Might Be Freaking Out

  1. I’m continually spazzing out because of something on Mr. Good’s list.
  2. I’m eating my boogers. And my sister’s.
  3. I ate an entire box of Raisinets while mommy was in the shower.
  4. I have explosive diarrhea and it’s getting on everything.
  5. I keep touching my explosive diarrhea.
  6. I’ve spilled my milk for the sixth time today. And it’s not even lunchtime yet.
  7. I’m chewing some gum I found stuck to the chair at the Walgreen’s pharmacy.
  8. I’ve started modeling my behavior after Caillou.
  9. I took off all of my clothes 30 seconds before we were supposed to leave for day care.
  10. I ate the last samoa Girl Scout cookie.
  11. I took a permanent marker to the couch.
  12. I won’t stop blowing a whistle.
  13. I dunked daddy’s phone in a big glass of iced tea.
  14. I ran out into the parking lot chasing a leaf.
  15. I puked all over the dog.
  16. I accidentally called 911 from mommy’s cell phone. Again.
  17. I flooded the bathroom while giving my dinosaurs a bath.
  18. I spilled nail polish on the beige carpet.
  19. I’m drinking milk from a sippy cup we lost 4 days ago.
  20. I’m playing in the cat’s litter box.
  21. I trapped my brother in the dryer and now he’s stuck in there.
  22. I smeared peanut butter and jelly all over the tv screen.
  23. I fed my 8-month-old brother some rocks.
  24. I locked my mommy out of the house.
  25. I’m not sure if that’s chocolate or poop I just smeared on my sister’s shirt.
  26. I kept pushing buttons and erased a month’s worth of stuff on the DVR.
  27. I ate one of those packets I found in a shoe box.
  28. I keep sneaking sips of water from the bird bath.
  29. I put my finger in the cat’s butt.
  30. I left the freezer door open and no one noticed for a few hours.
  31. I ripped the pages out of mommy’s first edition of Where the Wild Things Are. 
  32. I keep shouting “penis” as we walk through the grocery store.
  33. I like to put coins in the car air vents.
  34. I pulled all of the stuffing out of one of the couch cushions.
  35. I shoved 3 peas up my nose and one in my ear.
  36. I deleted daddy’s Clash of Clans account.
  37. I threw my shoe out of the car window.
  38. I kicked my dad in the nuts.
  39. I snuck a diaper into the washing machine.
  40. I keep trying to use a plastic bag as my superhero mask.
  41. I stepped on the CD that had all of the pictures from our vacation on it.
  42. I pulled off all of the tops from the Keurig k-cups.
  43. I thought my mommy’s hemorrhoid cream was an acceptable alternative to toothpaste.
  44. I smashed all of my goldfish into my car seat and then dumped my apple juice on top.
  45. I keep teasing my sister and making her scream. Because I can.
  46. I found some funny looking toys in mommy and daddy’s bedroom.

So, what’s on your list? 🙂