When I came up with this interview series with these completely off-the-wall questions, there was one fabulous, completely off-the-wall blogger whom I thought would be brilliant to interview. A perfect fit, if you will. And that blogger, my friends, was Patti from Insane in the Mom-Brain. If you know Patti, you know exactly why. And if you don’t, please read on to find out! (And I dare you not to love her as much as I do!)
Patti is a wife, mom, blogger, cook, cat box scooper, and dirty underwear picker upper. In her spare time she runs a Girl Scout Fight Club, a charity called Handies for Hobos, and a unicorn ranch called The Ranchicorn. When she’s all hopped up on too much coffee, she performs musicals for her cat and practices her Karate Kid Crane Kick. Someday she hopes to own a miniature donkey that she can dress up like a dandy English gentleman. She will call this donkey Lord Dudesbury Donkelson III. She is currently working on a book of completely ridiculous essays that, due to focus issues, she may or may not ever finish.
And here’s what she said . . .
1. How many beach balls would it take to fill a 747?
Ummm…I’m not sure if you’re aware of this or not, but this? This is math. Not only is it math, it’s word problem math. And if there’s anything that sucks more than math it’s math with words in it. Flashback to 7th grade: Ya know all those damn questions about Timmy wanting to take a train to Whofuckingcares, North Dakota? And he’s all “But I’d kinda like to ride my motorcycle. I wonder which way is faster?” But wait! Timmy has to bring his dog and 37 apples for some idiotic reason, and if he puts all that shit on his motorcycle it’s gonna slow him down. BUT the train conductor is allergic to dogs and he’s super freaky religious and hates apples because of that whole Adam and Eve situation. Plus, Timmy has to be in Whofuckingcares by 8 pm and now it’s already 6 pm because time freaking flies when you mix words with math and yammer on and on and on instead of just getting on a plane already. NOBODY TAKES TRAINS ANYMORE, TIMMY! AND YOU ARE TOO BIG OF A PUSSY TO HAVE A MOTORCYCLE!
2. A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?
He says “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” And I say “Dude, I LOVE that movie! High five!” Then I stick out my hand for a high five and I’m totally left hangin’ cuz duh, he’s a penguin, and penguins have those little flipper things plus they’re super short and I don’t know if you knew this or not, but they aren’t very awesome at giving high fives.
3. If my family and I came to your house for dinner, what would you prepare for us?
Turkey because it has tryptophan in it which will make you fall asleep. And after you fall asleep we will go through your pockets and purses and take tall of your things and then pose you in odd positions with my Flat Bieber and Zombie babies and take photos to blackmail you with.
4. What is the angle of two clock pointers when the time is 11:50?
What is it with you and the mathy stuff? I got news for you: I’m not calculating angles up in here. In Patti Maths the angle is equivalent to a baby bird’s beak when it’s open and waiting for it’s mommy to drop a worm in.
5. Pick two celebrities to be your parents.
Samuel L. Jackson and Betty White. Not only would I be an amazing caramel color, but I’d also be the funniest, sassiest, badass in the neighborhood. The added bonus would be the looks on people’s faces when I told them that I was the love child of Samuel L. Jackson and Betty White.
6. If you could add another eye color to appear in nature, what color would you choose?
Rainbow swirl with sprinkles.
7. How would you direct someone else on how to cook an omelet?
Google omelet. Then Google “How am I such a dumb ass that I don’t know how to make an omelet.” Then get in the kitchen and make me a damn omelet.
8. Why is a manhole cover round?
Because manholes are round. How stupid would it be to make a square manhole cover when manHOLES are round? God.
9. Zombies vs. Ninjas? Who wins?
I’ll tell ya who wins: Whoever is lucky enough to get to watch the hell outta that. THAT’S who wins.
10. If you had to tell someone off but couldn’t speak, what would you do?
Interpretive dance. And possibly a swift kick to the underballs.
The idea for my “That’s What She (or He) Said” Interview series was born one evening when I was extremely tired and had a(nother) slight case of writer’s block. I really wanted to publish something, but even though I had 6 or 7 posts in the works, nothing was quite ready to publish. And I didn’t want to publish something half-assed just for the sake of publishing. So I decided it’d be fun to start doing some interviews. The point of these interviews is to introduce you to some of the talented writers whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting these past few months. (And by “meeting,” of course I mean virtually.) But I don’t want any humdrum interviews, so the questions I ask are completely whacky and off the wall. Some of the questions I’ve found online, and some I’ve made up. I hope you enjoy them! To see the other interviews in the series, please click here.