That’s right, we have our first male interviewee this week! I found Dave from Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad through Facebook where he had left a comment on my page. His name alone had me want to immediately stalk him, and I’ve been a fan ever since.
Dave is a former attorney who much prefers his job as a stay at home dad to two hilarious and adorable children. He is lucky to have an awesome wife who indulges and supports his obsessions, which currently include running Spartan Races and writing his blog.
And here’s what he said . . .
1. A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?
He’d ask for a cerveza. Ice. Friggin. Cold. Because, you know, he just kind of wants to hang. And, sombrero-clad penguins know better than anyone that nothing breaks the ice better than a frosty beer.
2. If my family and I came to your house for dinner, what would you prepare for us?
Before we get to dinner, let me admit that my wife, Allie, and I would have some major cleaning to do. As a stay at home dad, I know that part of my job is keeping the house. Unfortunately, I am the world’s worst house keeper. So, it’d probably be a mad dash to make the house look presentable. As for food, first we’d make sure you ate meat. I’m not sure why, but I seem to have a tendency to befriend vegetarians. If it wasn’t a problem, we’d cook you and your family some kinda meat and probably mac & cheese to make sure the kids ate something. Dinner wouldn’t matter nearly as much as desert. Allie is an awesome baker. If we really liked (or were trying to impress) you, she’d make her chocolate blackout cake, which is a rich chocolate cake with layers of an even richer homemade chocolate pudding. It’s awesome.
3. Pick two celebrities to be your parents.
My celebrity parents would be George Takei and Harrison Ford. I love George Takei’s Howard Stern appearances. I’m not sure if he knows exactly why he’s funny, but he rolls with it and he’s hilarious! I think if he were my dad, I could kind of get away with a lot of stuff. But we’d also have a lot of fun together. Plus, if I complained about something in my life he could talk about growing up in a Japanese internment camp and shut me the hell up. Harrison Ford seems like a bit of a prick, but he was Hans Solo and Indiana Jones. And that is just cool!
4. Fred Flintstone vs. George Jetson. Who wins?
I assume this is in hand-to-hand combat. Fred Flintstone wins hands down. He’s a little out of shape, but he works with his hands and eats a lot of protein. George Jetson gets some exercise on the treadmill with Astro, but I’m pretty sure that’s about it. Plus, he’s used to the zero gravity of space. This fight is obviously taking place on earth (how would a caveman even get to outer space?), where George Jetson’s body will feel so comparatively heavy he’ll barely be able to lift his arms to defend himself.
5. For what would you be named the “World’s Best Inventor?”
The perfect playground. I’m not talking anything crazy here, just some common sense improvements. First of all, one entrance/exit. Why do I need to patrol 10 different means of escape at every playground we go to? Second, slides that don’t heat up to like 1000 degrees in the sun. Same with the ground. When there’s a water feature at the playground (and there should definitely be a water feature at the playground), the kids like to run around barefoot. They shouldn’t have to risk getting third degree burns on their little tootsies. Third, shady areas. Mostly for the parents. Fourth, clean bathrooms with changing tables. Fifth, lots of stuff to climb on. Climbing is awesome! Sixth, no sand box. Those things are disgusting; I can’t not picture stray animals using them as litter boxes at night. And good luck convincing your toddler he shouldn’t eat the sand! There’s probably some other stuff I’ll think of next time I’m at the playground, but that’ll do for now.
6. What shape best describes your personality?
An oval. I’m not a perfect circle and I’m good with that. I’m actually kind of a messed up oval, with nicks and gaps. I’m trying to be a better oval.
7. If your job was to simply count objects all day long, what would you be counting?
Boobs. Sorry. I’m a guy. I couldn’t think of anything else I’d like to count all day long.
8. Which animal would you want to trade places with for a day? Why?
A monkey. It’d be fun to climb and swing all day. Plus, I could fling poop at people who ticked me off.
9. When you’re 80, would you rather have yourself as a toddler or yourself as a tween as your roommate?
As a toddler. I whined less when I was a baby than when I was tween.
10. Would you rather smell the most offensive smell or hear the most offensive sound every single day for the rest of your life?
At first I thought this was an odd question to end on, but I realized that as a parent I’m an expert on offensive smells and (at least really annoying) sounds. I’m going to pick the smell. For me, the smell sucks but you deal with it and it goes away. The sound can ring in your ears hours later and give you a headache that lasts all day. If my kids were able to read this, I guess the message is: “I’ll deal with your shit, but please give daddy some peace and quiet for five friggin minutes!”
The idea for my “That’s What She (or He) Said” Interview series was born one evening when I was extremely tired and had a(nother) slight case of writer’s block. I really wanted to publish something, but even though I had 6 or 7 posts in the works, nothing was quite ready to publish. And I didn’t want to publish something half-assed just for the sake of publishing. So I decided it’d be fun to start doing some interviews. The point of these interviews is to introduce you to some of the talented writers whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting these past few months. (And by “meeting,” of course I mean virtually.) But I don’t want any humdrum interviews, so the questions I ask are completely whacky and off the wall. Some of the questions I’ve found online, and some I’ve made up. I hope you enjoy them! To see the other interviews in the series, please click here.