So anyone who has had a kid knows that this whole parenting gig–when it’s not absolutely glorious (because it really is sometimes)–is stress-full! (And if you’re new to this blog and haven’t had a kid yet, you may want to check out my “Things You Know But Don’t Really Know Until You Have Kids” series just to get a little glimpse into the sort of things us parents are working with on a daily basis.)

One kid, two kids (red kids, blue kids) . . . it doesn’t matter. Once you become a parent, your stress level goes through the roof and there’s the (very good) possibility that you will become one big ole anxious ball of wreck. At least on the inside.

This stress, this anxiety . . . this havoc you could find yourself in . . . well, my friends, I think we need to put a name to it. And I’m proposing Post-Kid Stress Disorder.

Definition

Post-Kid Stress Disorder (PKSD) is a common anxiety and stress disorder occurring in individuals who have children. It typically begins once the parents learn they are expecting, although it may not be triggered until the baby’s birth, and can last well into their children’s adult years, if not throughout the rest of their lives.

Symptoms

Symptoms of PKSD can include, but are not limited to, a zombie-like appearance from lack of sleep and inadequate time to manage personal hygiene, eye twitching, high blood pressure, hair loss or graying hair, constant bewilderment at things going on around you, moderate to insane amounts of yelling, repeating the same things over and over again without being heard, fear of leaving your children unattended for more than 30 seconds, the inability to find 2 minutes to yourself, a possible (over)dependence on caffeine or chocolate (or wine or beer or other booze), a nagging feeling that you’re forgetting something, obsessively counting to three, corner rocking, and extreme manic tendencies around bedtime.

Causes

PKSD has been linked to the following causes: constant anxiety from the realization that you are responsible for keeping another human being alive (increases with the number of human beings you create); the inability to get a full night’s sleep; loss of meaningful contact with the outside world; spending a disproportionate amount of your time with people who require constant attention because they can’t talk, can’t walk, can’t feed themselves, and can’t wipe their own butts; having to watch entirely too much children’s television; impaired nutritional intake due to little people always wanting to taste your food.

Treatment

There is no cure for PKSD; although symptoms usually lessen over time and may all but disappear around the time your kids move out of the house. (Although be warned that this will likely bring on a whole other set of concerns.) Unfortunately, PKSD is a pesky disorder that could hang around for the rest of your life.

There are palliative measures that you can take to decrease the effects of PKSD, however. These include, but again are not limited to, taking time for yourself as much as possible, laughing at all of the silly things in life (and the absurdities when you can), connecting with other parents, finding a good sitter and going out on a date every now and then, having dance parties with your kids as much as possible, playing the part of the tickle monster sometimes, letting your kids take the lead from time to time, mixing things up occasionally (like having ice cream for dinner), checking in on your kids when they’re sleeping peacefully…

Take the Quiz

If all of this sounds familiar, you may have PKSD. To find out for sure, you can take this quick 20-question quiz:

1. Yes/No: (A) Do you scarf down your food or hide from your kids while you’re eating so that they don’t ask to for a “bite” of your food and end up eating it all? (B) Do you hide food from your children so that it doesn’t disappear after two minutes of them getting their hands on it? (C) Do you have to buy food in bulk so that there will be some left for you after your kids get their hands on it?
2. Yes/No: Do you shower super quickly (oftentimes deciding between washing your hair and shaving) to ensure that your kids do not burn down the house or take a permanent marker to the furniture while they are left unattended?
3. Yes/No: Do you always have to shop for clothes without tags? Socks without seams? Shoes without “scratchy parts”?
4. Yes/No: Do you buy prized possessions in multiples in case something gets lost or damaged beyond repair?
5. Yes/No: Do you gag a little every time you smell goldfish crackers and apple juice?
6. Yes/No: Do you ever bribe reward your kids ahead of time for good behavior?
7. Yes/No: Do you avoid toy aisles at all costs?
8. Yes/No: Do you dread hearing your child say, “Look what I did”?
9. Yes/No: Do you secretly wish Leo would just kick Caillou’s ass already for all of that whining?
10. Yes/No: Do you say “5 more minutes” for at least 45 minutes?
11. Yes/No: Do you ever pretend like you didn’t hear what your kid just said?
12. Yes/No: Do you ever look like a spy avoiding laser beam alarm fields as you try to navigate your creaky floorboards while your kids are sleeping?
13. Yes/No: Do you panic slightly on mornings when you wake up and discover you’ve had an uninterrupted night’s sleep?
14. Yes/No: Do you now begin long road trips around your kids’ bedtimes instead of at the crack of dawn?
15. Yes/No: Do you in fact cry over spilt milk?
16. Yes/No: Do you ever find yourself brushing up on your Spanish with Dora and Boots despite the fact that your kids have been off playing in another room for the last 18 minutes?
17. Yes/No: Do you ever wish your bathroom was in a sound proof booth?
18. Yes/No: Do you approach all chocolate crumbs suspiciously?
19. Yes/No: Do you dump out your drink after your kid takes a sip, no matter how full it is?
20. Yes/No: Do you use words such as “toot” and “potty” and “booboo” among an otherwise normal adult-adult conversation?

Scoring: If you answered “yes” (or have ever been able to answer “yes”) to 1-20 of these questions, you very likely have PKSD. If you answered “no” to any of these questions, you very likely don’t have kids.

(A huge thank you to my husband for giving me the idea for this post and for providing me with some great examples. Also for reading my various drafts when he should have been studying for his boards or could have been sleeping. Love you, babe!)

Dear Children,

I love you. You know that. In fact one of you, and I won’t name names, is already over that game I play where I say, “Hey, I have to tell you a secret,” and then you come over and I whisper “I love you so much” in your ear. You can deny it, but your eye roll says it all. Regardless, I will continue to tell you how much I love you a gazillion times a day. This will never get old to me. Never. And one day, if you have kids, you will do the same. I can promise you that.

But I digress. Back to the topic. We need to have a serious chat about something. I love you. (See, there I go again.) And that means all of you. Including everything you create with those perfect (although usually extremely dirty) little hands of yours. But you all really need to slow your roll on the amount of artwork you create. And I use the term artwork loosely to include your drawings and paintings, any craft projects you make, those pages you’ve ripped out of activity books to color and adorn with stickers, the random Post-Its and scraps of paper I find all over the house with cryptic writing and various symbols drawn on them, and anything covered in doodles. Oh, and those pieces of paper that look completely blank at first glance but really have a few teeny tiny lines or dots or squigglies on them so that they cannot be used in the printer. Hopefully you get the point.

But why, you ask? Well, because we just don’t have the refrigerator space, or wall space, or cork board space, or desk space, or floor space, or shelf space, or closet space, or drawer space, or filing cabinet space, or car space, or purse space, or diaper bag space, or under-the-bed space, or under-the-couch space…to showcase every blessed piece of your artwork.

Plus, and I know this is going to sound very harsh, but it’s true–not every single thing you draw is a keeper. I refer you back to those papers with two barely visible markings on them. Or the colorful, glittery scraps not even you care to keep track of (and that I’m constantly getting stuck to the bottom of my feet). And while I’m sharing secrets, your drawings the other day didn’t accidentally fall into the trash can. (Read “recycle bin” if that makes you feel better.) Mommy put them there. On purpose. (Although apparently I didn’t bury them deep enough.) Because Mommy and Daddy’s most-used filing cabinet is, I’m sorry to say, our trash can.

Now, don’t wrinkle your noses up at me. You’re going to thank me one day for this. Honest to God. How do I know? Well, first, I can promise that you won’t want to be strapped with the mortgage payments we’d be ready to hand over for the house(s) we’d need to buy for the sole purposes of storing all of your art.

And second, when you’re older, you will have no idea what to do with the 83 gazillion boxes of old artwork that we’d be pushing on you the second you have your own place. How do I know this? Well, when I was little, Gramma kept pretty much everything I made and saved it all in boxes. And when I got older she’d plea with me to take all of the stuff she had saved because it was taking up too much room. You know why it was taking up too much room? Because there was too-damned-much stuff in there, that’s why. Sure, I’ll admit that it was kinda fun going through things and seeing how extremely talented I was from a very young age. (Ahem.) But after that, I had no idea what to do with the boxes and boxes of discolored papers that smelled like they had been sitting in a basement for 20+ years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, some of your art pieces are forever keepers. Like this one…

I LOVE this drawing of our family. (Notice that I’m holding the baby on my chest.)

But hows about we make a pact moving forward for all the rest? I know it upsets you to think about me throwing away all of your hard work. So, I promise I won’t throw things away willy nilly anymore (because I have to admit, I did feel a little bad when you found that stuff in the trash). If there are things you want to keep, we can. We can use the old standby refrigerator display method, or we can hop on Pinterest to find some creative display ideas. Like this, or this, or even this.

We can do a weekly rotation (although if I’m being realistic, let’s say monthly; ok, fine, twice a year), and then we can re-evaluate. If you still want to save something once its display time has elapsed, let’s save it in a photo. I can take pictures and we can save them on my computer or on a CD or thumb drive. Or heck, even on our “cloud.” Then we can throw away/recycle the actual art. This has the twofold benefit of 1) saving space (in our house, anyway, oh and in yours in the future) and 2) keeping a record of your art that doesn’t yellow or take on that musty basement smell over time.

Then, if you want to get crafty and creative with the pictures down the road, do it! It’ll mean you’ve activated some lazy recessive gene of mine that until this point in my life has remained pretty dormant.

What do you say? Do we have a deal?

Looking forward to all of your future masterpieces. Just don’t expect me to save them all.

Love,
Mommy
xxooxxoo