"There are some who can live without wild things and some who cannot." (Aldo Leopold) Apparently, I cannot.

What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What to Do?



I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes as I write this because I am at a complete and utter loss for what to do. Our 3-year-old and I are going through a real rough patch as of late. Another one. And actually, it’s not just with me, really. It’s with everyone. He has epic meltdowns over everything. There’s screaming and flailing. And more screaming. And even more screaming. And there’s the whole not listening issue. It’s to the point where I’ve been in tears multiple times a day the past few days. Because in these moments, I do not like my own child. (Wow, that was really hard to write. Please note I said “like,” not “love”–I always love my children, but what’s that saying? I’ll always love you, but I may not always like you? Something like that. Or did I just make that up? No matter, I hope you understand what I mean here.) In these moments I just want to be 100 miles away from him. Doing anything else besides having to deal with his behavior. And that makes me feel like the worst parent in the entire universe. I’m consumed with guilt.

The 3-year-old is our second, so it’s not like I’m new at this parenting thing. I get that kids have temper tantrums. I get that kids get upset when they don’t get their way, and that, especially at this age, they have a hard time expressing themselves or even knowing what is going on within themselves. And I get that all kids are different. I even wrote about that early on in my Multiple Personality Parenting post. But I guess my problem is that I don’t really know what to do about it. How do I parent our 3-year-old effectively based on his unique needs? What exactly do you do when you don’t know what to do?

I hate comparing my children, but it’s so hard not to in this respect. Don’t get me wrong, our 5-year-old daughter had her moments and can still drive me bonkers, but we honestly never had these problems with her to this extent. NEVER. This is all new to us. Which leads me to a lot of questions about the 3-year-old’s behavior. Is it a boy thing? A second child thing? (I don’t ask if it’s a middle child thing because we’ve been having these issues since way before our third was even a consideration.) Is it age appropriate and our daughter was just calmer? Could there be something wrong with him, like some sort of personality disorder? ADHD? Are we raising a sociopath? Really, I worry about these things because it can be that bad.

I think part of the problem is that I have never witnessed any other kid behaving like this. Sure, I’ve heard about epic meltdowns, but I’ve never seen one with my own two eyes like the ones we experience with our son. Now that can partly be chalked up to the fact that we don’t have too many friends here in CT with kids this age, and partly to the fact that even if you see someone else’s kid having a tantrum, you’re just seeing the one instance, you’re not living with them 24/7 and getting an accurate image of what’s going on behind the scenes. Plus, no one’s kid could possibly be as challenging as your own.

The other part of the problem is that when he isn’t spazzing out, he is the sweetest, most loving, most cuddliest, most empathetic child. Really. He’s seriously like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute he’s saying, “Mamma, I love you so much” and smothering me with hugs, and the next he’s throwing himself on the ground and screaming like a banshee. It’s hard to know what I’m going to get.

And all of this makes me feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Probably because I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.

It got to the point where I was starting to get so worried that I spoke to our pediatrician. Everything sounded typical, she said. Or at least not out of the ordinary. Which made me feel a little better. “But what do we do about it?” I wanted to know. She gave us some suggestions, and we’ve implemented them with a fair amount of success. But then 5 minutes later we’re dealing with the same exact issues all over again. And I know the child doesn’t have a hearing problem because he can hear when I’m opening food in the kitchen no matter where he is in the house.

Last night I posted to my personal Facebook page how emotionally drained I was from the past few days, and many of my friends wrote to tell me that I’m not alone. Which was comforting. Not because they had to deal with this too (because god knows I don’t wish this stuff on others), but because they were dealing with this too. Like maybe this is just fairly typical behavior (and maybe our experience with our daughter was atypical). But even so, it seems like we’re all left wondering exactly how we deal with this.

Is this just how it is at this age? Another stage we need to get through? Something, much like the tantrums themselves, we just need to ride out? And how the hell long will we be on this ride? Does it ever end? (Please for the love of all things Brad Pitt, tell me it ends at some point!)

Update: Click here to read my follow-up post “Encouragement, A Walk, and Date Night.

Author: Mamma Wild Thing

I'm a mamma to four little wild things and can't imagine life any other way. (Well, most days.)

64 thoughts on “What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What to Do?

  1. So sorry- that sucks 😦 “The Whole Brain Child….” by Siegel and Bryson speaks to tantrums a bit, and how you can help calm your kid. I’m sure you’ve tried some of these tactics, but I know the feeling of I’ll-try-absolutely-anything-including-eat-raw-beef-to-make-this-situation-better. It seems like an eternity when things are hard like this; hope it gets better soon.

  2. 😦 I totally feel your pain! I have a 3 year old son too, and some days I’m in tears and ready to put him to bed right after supper because I can’t handle him anymore. Lately we’ve been going through a good patch, but I’m always on eggshells waiting for his mood to change! I really hope things get better for you! I’ve been thinking about writing about these things going on with my son for a long time now, but I’ve been putting if off because I don’t want to write that some days I can’t stand him, though of course I love him. You’re not the only one that feels that way!! Hang in there!


    • Oh my gosh, Celena. I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your post sooner. It went to my spam folder and I am just now seeing it. Thanks for commiserating with me and helping me not feel so alone. Heading over to check out your page and blog now. πŸ™‚

  3. You are definitely not alone! I have 4 kids, 3 that I’ve been raising since birth…they are now 10, 5, 3, and 2. All boys except my 3 year old. I can say that our 5 year old has consistently been the hardest to parent….it started around age 2 with the kinds of behavior you are mentioning…it has gotten somewhat better but he does still have his moments. I am now dealing with this all over again with our 2 yr old. He will have a meltdown if he doesn’t get the cup he wanted, or I buckle him in his carseat too quickly, or if somebody touches something that may have been his at some point, or if it’s time to stop doing something fun, or if it’s time for bed…you get the point, he cries/screams ALL the time! Sometimes for what seems like no reason at all! He can and does talk but he absolutely can not express anger, frustration, or sadness without a full blown meltdown! I don’t really have much advice, I do my best to avoid situations that may cause one of these meltdowns, but they still happen…every day! The one thing I’ve been trying to do is teach him the words to use to express the fellings. When he’s freaking out I try to ask him if he is mad or sad or angry or frustrated. This usually results in even louder screams from him, but he has recently been telling me “I sad” once in a while…still has the meltdowns but any progress is some progress right? So I don’t have any advice to share but I share your pain…trust me!

    • Thanks for sharing, Ashley! I appreciate it. Sounds very similar. And I agree, a friend of mine recommended to me some time ago to label his feelings with words, and we’ve done that and it helps some for him to be able to tell me what he’s feeling. We also use a calm down bear that is only for the purposes of helping him calm down. When he’s raging, I tell him to get his calm down bear to cuddle and hug as much as he wants. (Part of the issue is that hugs really help him calm down, but when he needs to understand what he’s done in not appropriate, I feel like hugging only reinforces his behavior, so our pedi recommended we give him something to hug in our place.) The rest of us use it too to help model the behavior we’d like to see. This actually helped a good deal but we got a little lax with it so need to reimplement it and be more consistent. Good luck to you, too!!

  4. So sorry you are struggling right now. I have three girls (10, 8, & 5), so I can’t really speak to the boy issue, but I can say that all three of my girls are very different – different personalities, different temperaments, different interests, different ways of expressing themselves, etc. Although it is difficult, I have learned that I simply cannot compare them to one another because they are so different. If your pediatrician feels the behavior is normal, take comfort in that because they see A LOT! However, if you want additional evaluation or help, you could consult with a child psychologist. They would be able to give you more strategies for dealing with the behavior and another perspective on whether what you are seeing is “normal.” My final advice is to give yourself a break -literally. Go have a date night. Go out for a spa day. If you can, even go away for the weekend. Sometimes, getting away is the best thing you can do to gain a little perspective and refill you bucket of patience.

    By the way, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you love your kids, but don’t always like them. I suspect many parents feel that way st least some of the time. Kudos to you for being brave enough to put that out there!

    • I appreciate the suggestions and kind words, Lisa. I think I am going to look into seeing someone more specialized. If he’s “normal” that’s great and we’ll work on strategies to get through this phase. If there’s something else going on, we’ll work on dealing with that, too. And it’d be better to know sooner rather than later. And yes, I definitely need to give myself a break. I have a spa gift certificate my MIL gave me for Christmas, so I need to put that to use!!

  5. I’ve always said that 3-year olds are like miniature terrorists. They hijack your sanity. My oldest (a girl) was awful. She would melt down every morning when I woke her up. Once, I video taped her and played if back for her so she could see how silly she looked. I actually think it helped a little. I didn’t think 3 could be any worse. Then I had a boy. Holy crazy pills. I needed some in the worst way because I didn’t think either one of us would survive the hot mess both of us had become. That part about not liking your child? I get it. I was there. And I hated feeling that way. I dreaded him getting up in the mornings because I knew what was in store. And the guilt blanketed me until I was almost suffocating. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s probably a phase. Perhaps he is a little worse because he has a strong personality. Talk to your pediatrician and they can steer you I the right direction. If it helps, mine are 12 and 8 and are now positively delightful little human beings (most of the time).

  6. My kids are 18, 15, 12 and 11. My 18 year old was the WORST KID EVER. Same type of thing you’re describing… sweet little angel one minute, demon spawn the next. And, let me tell you, you’ve not seen bad until you see your oldest tries to suffocate her baby sister not once, but twice. They were 4 and 1. Yes, I took her to therapy immediately. They were actually not worried about her trying to smother her baby sister because apparently 4 year olds don’t understand the ramifications of putting a pillow over someone’s face, nor do they get that damage and death are PERMANENT. We laid down the law there and she felt really awful when we explained it to her… but I digress…

    They called my oldest a “Turbo Charged Child” They had pamphlets and everything on it… I never heard of it before. I was sure it was O.D.D. or sociopathy… but no. She is a child, now a grown person, who feels things in the extreme. When she’s happy, life is golden and perfect, when she’s sad it’s earth shattering heartbreak, when she’s angry… just stand down and let her blow… when the storm passes then we can talk… It isn’t easy to raise these type of children. Let me give you some hope… I made TONS of mistakes, I did everything wrong, and yet somehow, now, she is an amazing, strong, compassionate lover of the underdog, defender of the defenseless, highly motivated young woman. She astounds me daily…

    I used to cringe at the thought of her becoming a teenager. I thought for sure there would be jail time and rehab… No. She has been an absolute delight since she turned 15. So you’ve got 12 years of hell… no, I’m just kidding… it does get better… just hang on, give yourself a break, you’re doing what you need to do I’m sure.

    Consistency. Clear boundaries. Enforce the rules and the consequences. Talk your head off about how good they are when they are good. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce.

  7. I have two boys; a 13 yo and a 7 yo. My oldest is the mellow one and my youngest is the meltdown king. Anything could trigger a tantrum at any time, so it’s hard to know what to avoid at any given time to prevent incident. As a result, we don’t do a whole lot as a family. It’s too hard to take him anywhere. Then to top it off, he’s on steroids and cancer meds and we know the steroids are compounding the issue. Luckily, next month is his last treatment so hopefully things will settle down in that respect. I do think its true why so many people say about siblings being so different behavior wise. Hang in there Mama! I hope things start calming down for you!

  8. Definitely not alone. Our first two kids were so easy going. Our last is a complete nightmare. If we would have had her first, we wouldn’t have the other two. She is two and does the same things. I can ask her to not do something and she will flat out look at me and go and do it anyway. She gets into everything. Writes on the walls, whatever you can think of that might cause havoc. With our other kids, the timeouts nipped that in the bud but for her, it doesn’t seem to be working. Yet, I am keeping with it. Consistency is the key. Nothing is worse than those tantrums especially when you are in public. How do you discipline a kid misbehaving in a grocery store? I put her in timeout on the floor right there. She used to fall on the floor kicking and rolling like she was possessed until one day, when I was purposely ignoring this behavior, she rolled right into the wall. She sort of learned on her own that that kind of behavior is not going to pay off and stopped doing it. There is no quick fix, I am sorry to say, but stick with the punishments and set your boundaries. I hope it gets better for you soon. We are all pulling for you!

    • Our little ones sound very similar. We do timeouts in the grocery store, too. I’ve learned not to care about the stares I get. Usually you can tell the other parents because they have that sympathetic understanding look on their faces. πŸ™‚

  9. I taught my baby how to sign when she was around 6-7 months old just so she can express what she wants or needs to avoid tantrums stemming from not being undrstood. That may have helped a little (she’s now 2 and has started switching from sign language to actually speaking) however it did not eliminate tantrums altogether. It was a whole lot easier with our first born. I gues what I’m saying is, we can only do our best as parents. And crying sometimes help release stress. Also graciously accept all the help you can get from family.
    Some kids need a tight hug when having a melt down and some need space. There are a lot of books on parenting that can help you cope. Hang in there it won’t be like this forever.

    • That’s exactly why we did baby sign, too. However now at 3 I’m trying to label his feelings with words so that when I’m describing how I’m feeling or asking how he’s feeling he hopefully can put a word to what’s going on inside. I’m definitely going to be checking out some different books — I have a lot of reading to get to. Thanks.

  10. Yes,yes,yes! I have 4 children: girl 6, boy 4, girl 2.5 and boy 6mos. Though we had challenges going through the 2 & 3 year range with my oldest, there were times with my son when I was pretty sure one of us wasn’t going to survive. He was a late talker, so it helped when I started labeling his emotions when he’d start raging. “I know you’re mad at mommy, but I can’t let you hit and hurt other people.” I said myself to a couple friends I can be completely transparent with the same thing about not liking him. I was terrified it would never end or *gasp* get worse. It subsided and we did have one more epic meltdown right after he turned 4 in Target. Wow. I had never actually wanted to hurt one of my children until that moment and it scared me. I wouldn’t let him have a toy with a samurai sword in it, told him to pick something else and all hell broke loose. He spit at me, started screaming unintelligibly and tried to kick me. I wrapped him up tightly in my arms to contain him/attempt to calm him and he tried to bite me. Thankfully my mom was with me so she kept my other kids and I gave her my wallet to complete my purchase so I could remove the demon child from the premises. It was awful. He screamed, threw punches, tried kicking and biting all the way out to the car. I didn’t make eye contact with a single person for fear I might throw my son at them and wish them luck. We hung out in the car for a while while we both calmed down and it hasn’t happened again. That’s been about 6 months ago. I’m hoping we’re through it. Good luck mama, you are not alone!

  11. I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I’m familiar with meltdowns, too, and they are more frequent from my son than my daughter.

    I attribute it to two things. One, he’s not as prone to talking about his frustrations as his sister is, and two, he’s more sensitive than she is. Strong emotions and not being able to verbalize it creates tantrums.

    This is not to say he’s not verbal…he has always spoken very well, he just isn’t as inclined to talk things out like his younger sister is. Things have gotten much better now that he’s almost six and can talk things out before they escalate. Don’t think you have to wait until he turns six for things to get better. It will happen gradually, but you’ll notice a difference at four.

    Hang in there!

  12. I could have written this about myself and my son this week, and many times over the past 3 years. Exactly the same… so I feel you completely. It’s so draining. There are days mommy has to have a glass of wine at 4 pm just to make it through dinner, I never thought I’d cave into alcohol use as a coping mechanism, but sadly on the really sh*t days that are constant battle after battle, it’s my sanity juice. It helps me chill. I feel lame saying that. My nerves are literally shot, all the time. My son has been like this since before 2, he’s 4.5 and though hes improved, there are so many regressive phases with him. Just when I think we’re on a positive upswing for a few days, he’ll turn into Dennis the Menace again for another 4-5 days straight. Some people say “oh it’s just one of those days…” but I don’t know how to friggen handle it because it’s not just a day, it’s multiple days I dread waking up to him, because I know I’ll hear demands and shouting for something. The 2 things I can say work for me. Chanting these mantras “This too shall pass!!” and “Choose your battles wisely!” and going running/working out weight lifting have seriously saved me many break downs. The Dr saw him during a “moment” and realized, no this is not normal, this is more we’ll keep an eye on it but we can’t label him or diagnose/medicate him for anything at this moment because he’s still so young. He’s the same with with everyone and even worse when his father is around, it seems anyone with any type of authority needs to be challenged, not just us, always in peoples space, pushing them, testing them, annoying them… talking to strangers, running into the street, refusing to play safely, hold my hand to cross parking lots, just basic things I try explaining and reasoning to him, this is at 4.5 and I’m still repeating the same crap over and over… but know you aren’t alone. He is completely different than his sister who is 12 months older than her, she’s a peach! I love them both dearly but often wonder how two kids can end up being so different without there being an underlying problem, because I’ve tried the same parenting techniques and it just doesn’t work with him.

    At least he’ll be a leader instead of a follower eh?! Or you know… hopefully just a well adjusted kid, my fingers are crossed in my case.

    • I just wanted to add, there isn’t anything we can really do but love them unconditionally, be consistent and accept that they might just be wired differently otherwise known as rebel childs who want negative attention more than positive… my daughter craves positive attention, he’ll do things on purpose to make people angry, so yeah, hopefully you can find him a positive outlet once he’s capable of routine and calm, I’m debating starting up some martial arts program to teach him calm and discipline, I hear it’s good for kids who tend this way. The ipad has been our saviour.

      • Thank you so much for your post. First, on a silly note, “sanity juice” is my new favorite terminology. Second, you are right — love unconditionally and be consistent. Two very important parenting techniques.

  13. It’s gonna get better. Every kids different, boys are different, and even we are different from kid to kid. Hang in there

  14. I’m living three with my first child right now. The tantrums spiked around the time my daughter was born and now that he’s almost halfway through three we’re starting to see some change for the better. His tantrums scared me for how he acted and how crazy they made me feel. The only thing that has helped me is Dr. H. Karp and being able to laugh at him sassing my MIL. It’s the little things sometimes πŸ™‚

  15. Pingback: Encouragement, A Walk, and Date Night |

  16. I cannot offer much to the discussion here but I remember those days where I feel like I could pull all my hair off when my son have those tantrums and it was really bad. It does gets better tho. That much I can tell you πŸ™‚

  17. I’d say it probably is a phase. My husband and I were talking last night about the fact that each of our 3 kids is so different, even though we’ve been the ones to raise all three! It’s sometimes hard to understand how they can be so different, but I think they’re all going to make it through πŸ™‚

  18. I so could have written this post! My 3 yr old is very much going thru this phase – one minute he’s all sweetness and cuddles, then he’s looking to cause trouble. And so, so stubborn, we butt heads constantly. He’s our 3rd (we have 4) and I swear, he is a complete 180 from my older two. I think some of it is just normal 3 year old ness, amplified by the attention that both his older brother and sister get and the attention that his baby brother gets. I try very very hard to divide things equally but I’d say that he’s figured out how to divert attention from the others (even after he’s gotten some positive attention) with his “I’m gonna cause trouble” antics.

    I’m still at just as much of a loss but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’m trying a new tactic where when he starts to cause issues, he is immediately removed from the situation, with as minimal attention as possible (eg, no talking, just carry him away) and then go back to the others and pay them lots of positive attention – and pour it on extra thick when he IS being good, so that hopefully he gets the idea that the negative stuff isn’t the way to go.

  19. My guy is better now, but I do remember days of deciding to just stay home.

    • You know, if it were just him, I’d stay in the house as long as it took to get this under control, but my heart breaks for my older daughter when we have to cancel things because her brother is misbehaving. It’s so hard. But yes, some days, I have no choice.

  20. I can completely relate to this as well. My son is almost 10 years old, and is extremely difficult to handle. It has certainly improved since he was 3 years old, but still unpleasant, except for the 20% of the time is perfect. We had a therapist tell us: He would be an extraordinary man, if we survived raising him! Good luck to you.

  21. For the love of Brad Pitt πŸ˜‰ yes, it really does end at some point. Tough when going through it, but there is an end to it!

  22. Pingback: Lazy Sunday: Week in Review 5/5/13 |

  23. My baby is turning 3 on Saturday and we are going through the EXACT SAME THING. It’s so hard to stay strong and be a good parent when they are putting your last nerve through the food processor. Whoever coined the term “Terrible Twos” must have offed their child before they got to three….

  24. OMG!!!! You just wrote about MY EXACT situation!!!!!! And even expressed concern to a colleague today!!!! Our oldest, 5, a girl is JUST like yours. And our 2nd, will be 3 in 3 weeks, a boy is EXACTLY like yours!!! And he was like that before we just had our 3rd (now 3 mo). You are NOT alone!!!! omg I hope it gets easier! I feel like I do soooooo much yelling at him and timeouts and yes, spankings (not beatings!). Thank you for giving me hope today!

  25. You are not alone. Our son 3, will be 4 next month, has rocked our world with the ferocity of his tantrums. I’m in counseling, my son now has an IEP–but I’m glad because we need help! My son will get 45 minutes a week oh help from a child development specialist. They’ll work on sharing, taking turns, cooperating. Those are social issues that affect the classroom. Sadly (but also gladly), I had to remove him from his preschool because they were tired of dealing with them. The preschool didn’t want outside therapists to come in the school anyway, so we’re better off without them. I have she’d many tears over his behavior. I’ve never read a blog post that was so close to my heart. Thanks so much for sharing!!

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